By Steven Schelling
Jun 29 2006

We're a lonely bunch. Is it our own fault?

Hey, Vancouver, can we talk? I think we're close enough now that I can tell you the truth, so I'll just come right out and say it.

Visitors think you're a snob. Urbanites from notoriously "cold" cities like New York, Paris and Los Angeles have commented on just how unfriendly you are - and I really can't disagree. Sorry, sweetie; I love you, and that's why I've staged this little intervention. Now just sip your latte and listen.

I know you're not a snob. You're shy and sometimes others can't see that - they just don't understand. It's like that summer at the North Hatley Country Club, when I arrived halfway through the season and didn't have a chauffeur or a particularly strong backhand. My discomfort was mistaken for haughtiness, and I was labeled "stuck up." Then my parents threw the end-of-season party at our house and I spent the entire night hiding on the third floor because I was so scared of the other teenaged guests.

I only bring this up because you're hosting a huge "world-class" party in a few short years and I want to save you from the humiliation I've known. Long story short: you've got to loosen up. When even people who make their living introducing other people to the city comment on your attitude, you have to accept that something is rotten in the state of Vancouver.

Felicia Allen, webmaster for online social and leisure resource VisitVancouver (VisitVancouver.bc.ca) has heard

it all before. "People from other places find Vancouver

pleasantly nice, but no further than that," she says. "It's a question of hospitality."

Cynnamon Schreinert, PR guru for Bard on the Beach, gets comments on your aloofness and flakiness. "It just seems like nobody wants to get involved here," she admits.

Pretty harsh words and disappointed clucks of the tongue from ladies whose jobs require professional perkiness.

I know, I know - it's hard because so many people here are from other places, like Calgary or Toronto or Moose Jaw or Surrey. They don't have strong ties to the community. They're transient. They insist on wearing ponchos and Birkenstocks, or they chew their gum too loudly. Valid points all, but you can point to the foibles of others for only so long before you have to look inside. And Vancouver, it's time for a little personal inventory.

I see you sitting alone at the bar, next to another person, and scrupulously avoiding eye contact or the merest whisper of acknowledgment. I see you and your friends out for the evening, talking only to members of your own party. The longer you wait to break the ice, the more the chill sets in. Even if you're not looking for that special someone, so what? What's so bad about talking to someone with no ulterior motive? (Speaking from experience, those are often the best conversations.)

Don't you try to deflect this by saying that I go to parties for a living and I already know everyone. Honey, seven years ago I got off a plane from the US of A and knew exactly one person here; he then promptly dumped me, leaving me with a total of zero friends. Having lived in Paris and New York, I thought this 'backwater' would be a piece of cake. Well, colour me wrong. I had yet to learn about your "five-year rule," wherein it takes at least that long to really break into this city, socially speaking. Maybe the reason Vancouverites are so transient is because they can't make it through their five years of solitary confinement? I'm just saying.

So what can you do to fix this little problem? Well, social skills are like sex: use it or lose it, baby. You need to go out there and practice. Step outside of your comfort zone and make an effort to talk with the people around you. Here's a crazy idea: strike up a conversation. What's the worst that can happen?

If you're not ready to go it alone, try a party service like Urban Mixer (UrbanMixer.com), which stages singles events at bars. Or for something less hookup-oriented, Social Empire (SocialEmpire.com) puts on monthly cocktail parties at hot downtown eateries with a membership of 1,000 potential guests. Director Frances Hui hand-picks every Social Empire 'friend' to make sure that each person you meet will be friendly, polite, engaging and outgoing. "I won't let anyone join who I wouldn't have in my own home," she says. Instead of feeling silly for approaching people, you're actually expected to take part. What a novel concept!

Considering you're such a healthy, active city, why not go with your strengths? There are volleyball and ultimate-frisbee leagues ad nauseam 'round these parts - I lost my best fag hag to a guy she met on the beach volleyball court. (She lives in Langley now, so maybe that's not such a good example.) I think you just need to get over yourself, bite the bullet, jump aboard... I'm running out of cliches, but you get the idea.

It might feel strange at first to be so vulnerable and naked, Vancouver, but it's a damn sight better than dying alone and surrounded by cats. Or moving to Toronto. �